Snowed In/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, when I was 20, I weighed 150 pounds in my shorts -- well, in anybody's shorts, really. And now that I'm not 20, my doctor gets a big kick out of weighing me every time I go in there, no matter what I went in for in the first place. Sore throat, mr. Green? Step up up on the scale. Pulled muscle, mr. Green? Up on the scale. Lawn dart through the foot? Up you go. Talk about adding insult to injury. And now he says he'd like me to lose 15 pounds. Well, I'd like him to drop dead. Here's another option: It's not as violent, but it is dishonest, so it has that going for it. All's you got to do is hide one of these kids' inflatable swim ring things under your clothes. Then just full her up with a lighter-than-air gas like hydrogen, or in this case, helium, and, bingo, you go from a heavyweight to a welterweight without even trying. There. Time to make my doctor look foolish for a change. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment to keep. [ horn honks ] [ sound of air deflating ] in high-pitched voice: Oh, the humanity. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you. As you can see, we've had another one of our freak snow storms up at the lodge. You know I think it's the pollution levels in possum lake that do it. 'cause lakes are supposed to freeze in the winter, right, not congeal? Harold: Uncle red! Uncle red, help! Where are you, harold? I'm stuck outside! I can't get in! Oh, okay. Hang on. Hang on. I'll help you. Help! Oh! Okay, harold, look, I'm going to hand the ski in through the door. Okay, you grab the end and I'll pull you inside, all right? Okay. Good idea. Oh, harold! You took it right out of my hands. Sorry! Can we try it again? All right. Here comes the other one. Okay. Good. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. My fault. What am I going to do now? Put the skis on, go to the back door. Well, like I say, you know, the roads are all closed. The town's pretty much shut down. Even the police aren't working today. Hi. I love this weather! [ applause ] I just sent harold around the back way. Did he make it? Oh, yeah he made it. He's just out digging the snow out of his underwear. You know, mr. Green, I remember seeing this movie once where these people were stranded in a snowstorm, and, like, the only way they could survive is if they ate one of them. Ooh! Uncle red -- [ cheers and applause ] I think we're stuck here for the duration. We should just curl up with a good book or something. What are you doing? He's tender. Would you like a drink, harold? Yes. Please. I was outside and I got all stuck outside. What is that? Marinade. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this coupon from rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. It's our new high-tech computer rooter treatment. Has a big download clogged your line? Does your hardware make unnecessary backups? Let us come and give your system a little extra ram. Okay. Cover your ears, there, dalton. Okay, red, you have 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, dalton, what do you do when you're trying to look thinner? Stand farther back. Okay, say you wanna have a drink but you're trying to lose weight, so you don't have a regular soda, you have a... A mini-soda. Of course, it didn't do much for minnesota fats, huh? Not even close, there. Okay, now, moose thompson went to the doctor last week, and the doctor saw he was up way over 300 pounds, okay? He put him on a... Oh, a stronger chair. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is something that your wife is on all the time. [ sighs ] the war path. Red, you're almost out of time here. Okay. Okay. Okay. Dalton, imagine that you're santa claus. That'd never happen, red. No, okay. Okay. Imagine that you look like santa claus. You got the bowl full of jelly belly thing going on there. What would you do to improve your appearance? If I had all that white hair, I'd dye it. Yeah! [ ♪ ] red: You know, as people get older they tend to not like progress. That's because when somebody comes out with a new way of doing something you've been doing your whole life, it's really their way of saying, hey, you're a moron. And that's why guys like me are always looking for ways to show these young bucks that we did it better in the old days. Let me give you an example. Here we have a stove that we used to do most of our cooking. Not all of our cooking, because sometimes we like to barbeque. See, now, that's a man's way of helping out with dinner without actually ever having to set foot inside the kitchen. Then when we're all done and it's time to do the dishes, we just turn on the hot water and away we go. And later on in the evening, the house can get pretty cool, especially if you were late coming home from work -- or whatever. So all's we do is crank up the furnace. But wait a minute. What have I got here? I got a gas bill for the furnace and the stove, an electric bill for the hot water heater, and a propane bill for the barbeque. Separate bills for four things that do exactly the same thing... Produce heat. How crazy is that, huh? Well, I think it's time to get back to the way our forefathers did things. Remember when your wife drags you on that historical tour of williamsburg, eh? Remember the fireplace they had there that they cooked on and heated water on and heated the house with? Well, see, now, I think they had the right idea. They just didn't have the right technology. Well, we have that now. It's called a furnace, huh? Okay, you see how they have it all closed in? That's so you can't see what's going on in there. And down here you have the flame in this area. And then above that is the air chamber where the air gets heated. And then you have the fan that fires the warm air up into the house. And that's all it does. What a waste of engineering. Well, I think we can do a little better than that. Okay, now we're cooking. See I mounted the oven door on here, 'cause this isn't just a furnace anymore. Now it's a -- it's a -- well, I don't know what it is, but it's not just a furnace. That's for sure. Okay, you've got your furnace burner right down at the bottom so this is where you do all your barbequing. You might even throw a few briquettes on the burner. Think how good that's going to make your house smell. That's a nice change, isn't it? Okay, now, this cookie sheet becomes the bottom of my oven, see? But because it's so far above the flames, I can actually bake on the bottom of the oven. I mean the efficiencies just keep on coming. I'd say these cookies will be done in about 20 minutes. Even sooner if we have a cold snap. Oh, yeah, and I'm using this old gas can as my hot water heater. A couple of things to remember here... Number one, don't use a plastic gas can. Of course, hindsight is always 20-20, isn't it? And the other thing is you want to be careful with your overhead pipe joints. As any plumber will tell you they're tricky to duct tape. Oh, and here's another bonus... I'm using my pull-out filter as a pizza oven. Okay, let's fire her up. Now, obviously the standard furnace thermostat is not going to give us the kind of btu's we need, so I replaced it with the heat control out of the oven. But you got to keep an eye on this baby. If you don't pay attention you can get the house up to 450 degrees. That'll cost you a fortune. I smell cookies. [ fire alarm blasting ] [ alarm stops ] [ ♪ ] I want to talk a little bit about mixed marriages. A morning person should never marry a night person. Believe me, it's going to cause nothing but trouble in the long run. First of all, at the crack of dawn, the morning person is all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, while the night person is bleary-eyed and bushy-tongued. And on the other hand, in the wee small hours... Mrs. Merry morning is deep into hibernation on the couch snoring so loud that mr. Night owl can barely hear his infomercials. See burning the matrimonial candle at both ends, well, that puts a strain on any kind of relationship. And no amount of coffee can turn a morning person into a night person or vice-versa. What you got here is an unnatural union, okay? And there's only one way to save it. You got to concentrate on the afternoon. That's the only time of the day when both of you are not too tired or too cranky. That's your window of opportunity, so draw a curtain over it and go for a little afternoon delight, okay? Just make sure you go home first -- unless you both work at the white house. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] you always get your septics pumped. Your tank's as clear as a bell. But be sure your neighbour gets his done too, or you'll be a victim of second hand smell. We're having a little problem. The drinks and the stocks are holding out, but the tv reception is terrible. All we get is snow. So we got harold up on a ladder there, hoping that he can turn the aerial from inside the roof. You know, mr. Green, I could use some help here. Harold's got a lot of meat on him. We're not going to eat him, mike, okay? [ harold screaming ] what is it, harold? Harold: There's a lot of bats up here. Can you reach the aerial pole from inside the roof? Harold: No! But there's a trap door. Why would there be a trap door in our roof? I put one in when I was living up there. But then the charges were dropped. Can you open the door, harold? [ door creaking ] harold: Yes! Well, can you reach the aerial now, harold? [ metal creaking ] harold: Not now, no. Okay, so now we got no tv reception at all. What next? Well, I'm hungry. C'mon down, harold. Stop it. Stop. Red: Okay, now, don't panic. It's just a chili cook-off. Walter and I were the last two entrants in the whole lodge, and walter likes to do everything kinda different. He's got an apron. What does, "I mash..." well, I don't know I don't understand. I don't have an apron. I don't have -- he's got the hat and everything. I'm happy -- no, I like that hat I have. Walter, I like the hat I have. The hat I have is fine. It's fine. I didn't realize the fire was going and he couldn't see -- well, I helped him up. At least his apron is more accurate now... I'm a moron. So I'm just making it in the normal pan. Dump in some ground meat... No, no, walter's got to have the special pressure cooker, and he's got to start with the big hunks of beef. He puts them in there and grinds them up. It's a lot better if the beef doesn't have bones in it, walter. You know, it's like going to work. You grind and grind, and you eventually pull yourself down into it. Meanwhile, I'm just carrying on. I got the tomato paste -- you're fine. Got a large jar of tomato paste that I use, but that's not good enough for walter. He's got to squash his own tomatoes. He's got one of these power -- you know, I wish I'd seen he was doing that. I would have gotten out of the way over there. Oh! Thank you, walter. So I don't think he's going to get anything real usable out of that. No. No. Okay. And now we get into the real competition with chili, which is the amount of hot stuff you can put into her. I had the chili powder going pretty good there. So walter's got to kinda one better me there. He just dumps her right in, and, boy, that's got to be getting hot. Now, I was not impressed with that. You know what? Have a look at this, walter. I can just sprinkle this on my hand and just -- no problem, no problem, no problem. Yeah? What are you gonna do? That'd be tobasco. A little dab of that on your tongue, walter. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're going to pay. Undaunted I get out a real hot pepper and just bite the end off of there. Hey, try that. Try that, if you're a man. Oh, my gosh. Now the heat of the moment is starting to set in, and we're both feeling the effects. We look over to the side and what do we see but a rain barrel. And I'm thinking, just excuse me a minute, walter. So I grab the pail -- just hang on a minute let me just get a drink. You can have the pail in a second. But of course, walter can't wait for that. He's got a problem. He can really drink, walter. Boy, oh, boy. Of course, what we forgot was the pressure cooker sitting on the fire, and she was really starting to build up. Oh, boy. And the pressure release is gone on her, and I just duck down behind waiting for the explosion, and but walter wanted to get her somewhere safe. No, walter, no. I sure wish I'd seen him do that but he thinks he's -- okay, okay. Yeah, your problems are over. I'm taking my chili, and I figure I won by default. His chili's gone. I didn't know where it was. But as I head to the van, walter suddenly realizes that I'm going to go home in the same vehicle I arrived in. And he's saying -- he's trying to -- I guess he was trying to stop me, but at this point I kind got myself set off on my way home. I get in there and don't know anything about the chili in the back and... Oh, boy. Chili will do that. [ ♪ ] [ red chuckling ] busted. You married guys know the situation. You promised your wife you'd be home from poker night at 11:00, and the only way you can possible make it is if you preset all the clocks in the house to honolulu time. Now, what you want is a way to get your vehicle up the driveway safely without waking anybody inside. See, that's what this power winch is for. I attach my boat trailer to the rear wall of my garage. She's not going anywhere. I used eye bolts, which make sense. 'cause every time my wife asks me, what's that for, I bolt. Next, I got myself extra-long winch cable. And a little extension wiring for my electrical hookup. Now when I plug in my electrical hookup, the winch'll be running off the van battery, and it'll pull the van slowly up the driveway, whisper quiet, eh, without having to put the headlights on. So sweet dreams. [ metal creaking ] oh, man, the emergency brake. [ metal scraping ] boy, it's getting pretty desperate around here. We got no food. We got no water. And worst of all, we got no tv. I mean, it's starting to get ugly. Uncle red! Uncle red! You know what we can do now? Know what we can do now? Now we can play, like, another round of who am I? Who am I? You don't want to know who you are, harold. I got a better idea. Why don't you go hide somewhere? I'll count to 100 and then have a nap. [ knocking ] someone's at the door! We're saved! We're saved! We're saved! It's dalton! It's dalton. We're saved! Oh, dalton. Thank you. They were going to eat me. Harold, get away from me. Red, I tunnelled all the way over here from my house. Just so I could be at the lodge. You mean you didn't come here to save us? No. No. I came here to save me. Come on, now. We got no food. We got no water. We got no t.V. We'd be way better off at your place. C'mon, harold. Let's go. Okay, red, but you are going to be there all alone with my wife ann marie and my daughter. They're trying on dresses. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Sorry, harold. You go ahead -- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the snow plows. And don't worry, I know how to get home. I have a lot of fun at the lodge, but none of these guys have what you got. And if they ever get it, I'm quitting. For the rest of you, thanks for watching. Oh behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] we've got a meeting happening. Sit down. Sit down. Here he comes. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, we have a pretty serious charge in front of us here tonight. Harold claims that during our current crisis, mike assaulted him. Oh, no, no. Not assaulted. Salted. He salted me. Over and over. I'm well marbled. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com